Missouri Memories

There are many places in my writing that topics can be put now.
I just put them where I happen to think they should go as the mood
to write hits me. I have been trying to write every day, but that does
not always happen. The writing comes to me, I have no control. I have
been spending time visiting with friends in a chat room that I love
going to. It is like a big coffee clatch. How I missed that. This one
is different than most I have belonged to though. I always feel so
welcome now. They always greet me like they have missed me so much. That feeling of belonging is so important to me now. I always said I didnt care about those type of things, but we all do. We all feel left out. I left myself out. I did not keep in touch with real life friends because it was just easier to do. I did not get hurt that way, for I was not close enough to anyone to feel that way. I always wonder why I am the person who has to get things together. Organize, arrange. Why do my friends not call me. Yes, I realize they are all busy with their own lives. I have always used that as the excuse of all excuses. Why did no one reach out to me when I was trying to eat myself to death? I got bigger and bigger, but no one said one single word about it to me. I will have to say that it would not have helped anyway. I was not ready to hear anything anyone had to say about it. I was truly trying to accept myself as I was. That is the most difficult thing to do in the world, did you know that? Self love is selfish, etc. I did not mean to wander here. See? My mind has it's own direction to go, no matter what my intent might be to begin with. This is not a bad thing, it is a good thing. "Go with the Flow" is what I will do from now on, let it happen.

I was going to sit here and remember things about my Missouri days again. Those times seem to calm me. I felt good in those days. I felt bad in those days too. I chose to feel good. You see, it IS a choice. I was always doing my best to be Happy. I was back then. I truly believe that. I always remember that Peggy Lee song...."Is That All There Is?" Life is like that. Every day is different...yet some are always the same over and over again. Good. Calm. Some would even say Boring. Routine. I hate routine. I always have. Routine is boring. Give me something different every day. Stimulate me, entertain me. We spend way too much time expecting someone else to make us Happy. Deep inside I think we all know that this is not truly possible. Happiness is a choice. Look at all of the people who have survived horrible trauma in their lives. They can choose to be negative and give up, or they can fight tooth and nail to get better. Some make it, some don't. I want to be one of those who makes it.
I almost wasn't. I am sure had I kept eating my feelings, I would be dead soon. I would no longer feel anything except that continuous feeling of adreniline that eating gives a person for a short time. Maybe adreniline isn't the right word. The right word is probably something to do with hormones or a balance in the system. I cannot think of the word I mean right now...but you know what I mean. That feeling you get after a Holiday meal. All those calories begin to do what they do to your body and for a bit you really feel good. Then the dis-comfort hits and you wonder just how you could eat so very much again! You promise not to do it ever again and yet, you crave those same things again way too soon. Then before you know it, you are addicted to that feeling and want it over and over again. Common sense leaves you. All you can think about is getting that feeling again as soon as possible. It is comfort, joy, satisfaction, lust and last of all, Love. Unadulterated Love. Food is something that won't treat you badly. It won't say mean things about how you look, It won't judge you for any reason whatsoever. It tastes so good, is sweet, salty, all your senses get into it. For a brief time, you can be Happy without even thinking about how. It just happens. I guess you would say my Drug of Choice used to be Food. I could have easily been addicted to many other things, came close at times to that also. Gambling, Drugs, Fast driving. Many more that come to mind also. Why I chose Food, I truly don't know. Perhaps it was because at special occassions, there it was in all its glory. Special cakes, cookies, more cakes, good meats. Good eats. Most of our comfort foods are things that were not expensive when we were growing up. Mac and Cheese, Potatos with lots of Butter, Homemade cakes, pancakes, french toast. I could go on and on. I begin to see more and more how the two things can come together...Love and Food. Love of Food. Food for Love. It certainly worked for me.
The exercise thing...not sure why I did not get into moving more. Most Children do. They cannot wait to go outside and play. I would rather sit and read a book, take a nap, or the newest one, watch television. Would not want to miss a good show! I know part of all this was that my Mom and Dad were so busy trying to put the food on the table and find their own self worth. I read books about "Finding Oneself", "Being What You were put on this Earth to be", things of that nature. Where I was born and raised no one had the time to think about such things. These things alone were the things my Family Dreamed of! Time to sit and relax was very limited. Time to Dream was even less. This said, my Folks and Grandparents still did take the chance to do their own form of Dreaming. Having their own place, not renting anymore. Running their own store, being their own boss. These too, they acheived. Mom went back and got her Teaching degree years after she had us three children. That takes a lot of guts and stamina. I envy her that. She got her Teaching degree in Missouri when I was about 13. It made us all stronger. I had to grow up. I had to learn to cook, such as it was. I never really put much into that process, just enough to get something on the table. I was limited again by money. So many receipes called for things I never had heard of, thus could not buy. I still find this true even today. I do take more chances though, and buy certain foods now that are good for me, no matter what the price. I am worth eating right. I am cooking more now, but not able to share it with my Husband, as he hates the foods I should be eating. He is strictly a Meat and Potatos Man. He would eat Hamburger ever day of the week and sometimes does. I love chicken, turkey, fish...all the foods the body really needs. I always have craved the good foods....just way too much of all of them. I never thought I could get over craving sweets or homemade breads. Once I got switched off of them, it became easier all of the time. I now do not suffer from Heartburn anymore. I used to get it a lot. I was worried I had an ulcer or some such. I believe it was the Bread and starches fermenting with the milk and other foods. Now I know that I cannot eat too much of those things. I do not eat much white flour or other white foods other than potatos. Potatos are the exception to not eating white foods. They are so valuable in nutrition that they excape the rule. I have desserts sometimes when I really am craving them. Spelled backwards, they are stressed. What does that tell us?
This is the first year I did not want or have a Birthday Cake on my Day. I made that CHOICE. This is a landmark accomplishment for me, for sure. We have not had one Birthday Cake for any of our Spring Birthdays. What an amazing thing to have happen. Who knew we could survive without them? The same is true of Chocolate. I have been able to control and limit my intake of this food as well. I have to admit, there are days when I still crave it immensely, but those days are becoming less and less. I find something else sweet to take the place, usually fruit or yogurt. Some things stay in the mind a long long time.

I remember Mom and Dad struggling to feed us when we were little. We never starved, but I think sometimes we came pretty close. Like the times when Dad went Hunting. It was never just for "sport" for him. If he hunted, we would eat it the next meal.
There was one time that he and a bunch of the neighbors got together for a "frog hunt". Yes, we made it into a party of sorts, but we were all pretty hungry. I do not remember much else of what we had at that party, but I do remember thinking that the frog legs were very tasty...like chicken. Everyone jokes about that one, but it is true. There were also Venison feeds. I can still remember how the Elementary School smelled when that Deer was cooking. It had a flavor I still cannot describe. It was not the best taste ever, but it was pretty good barbequed. As I said, anything is tasty when you are hungry enough. We also had to eat a lot of Pheasant and other game birds. Mom got so good at fixing them. I used to watch as she would pick the buckshot out of them....yet we still had to be very careful not to bite down too hard on the meat, for she always seemed to miss some. We raised chickens or someone in the Family did. When Mom was going back to school to get her Teaching degree, Dad began to cook and fix us foods he had while in the Army. I loved Chipped Beef on Toast with gravy.
Have not had that in ages now. I am sure it is not good for the Heart. Lots of things weren't back then. But if they were cheap, we would eat them. We would get together with my Grandparents at Easter and sometimes at Christmas. With my Mother's parents living about 8 hours north of us in Iowa, the times spent with them were very rare. We would always go visit my Dad's Folks a lot though. I think Mom needed the respite from us, so she would leave us there and we would explore and pretend while Mom attended to her College courses. I cannot help but remember these things because now I see my Daughter returning to get her Law Degree and going through some of the same stresses I would see my Mom handle. Mom worked part time also. I know she did not earn much money, but whatever she earned helped to pay the bills and keep us in our home. My Folks even managed to buy a Grocery Store and run it for a while. Mom had been raised helping in my Grandparents Grocery in Iowa, so that came naturally to her. She said they barely could pay the bills of the Store though, because Dad was so kind hearted when folks could not pay their grocery bills at the end of the month.
I will have to ask Dad how long they had the store. I still remember eating Watermelon on the end of the front steps and spitting the seeds down to the ground below. We were told not to swallow them for they might grow a watermelon in our tummies! The things I believed in those days. Its no wonder I am certifiable! Kids are so gullible. I found myself doing similar things later on when raising my own daughters. What goes around comes around as they say. I think the girls are pretty level headed in spite of the things I did....at least so far!
I remember babysitting a little neighbor girl who lived across the street from our store. I would sing the Flying Purple People Eater song to her and make her laugh and giggle out loud. It was a fun song to sing as silly as it was. Even grownups liked it, though most never admitted it. I would go over to see this little girl often as we could swing on her brand new swing set that was store bought....
My parents resented the gifts that my Mom's parents would shower upon us. Strange that I barely remembered those things. When I think hard about it, memories still do come back, though most are only in bits and snatches anymore. Time will do that to one's Memories.I find comfort in the remembering and the telling of those things here as I remember them. Things I had truly forgotten were so enjoyable. Like our cat Fri Fri. He was a gem of a cat. He got a flat nose from us all pushing on it so much.
We got him when my folks had the store. I think someone wanted to get rid of him and his brother or sister. I do not remember the name of that cat. Fri Fri survived the move back from Missouri to Iowa when Mom got a teaching job back near her parents.
I never felt welcome in that community. I wonder if I would have felt welcome anywhere new. I still like things "just so", even when that is a boring thing. Comfort takes many forms I suppose.
Dad would try to give us things to entertain us. I remember one time he put up a Circus type bar in our yard so I could pursue my Dream of being famous one day.
Children tend to Dream of things they cannot be in the real world...or at least I did. I wanted to be on TV, but am truly very shy. My acting attempts were lapluster at best. I never wanted to put the work into them that I should have. Take the easy way, thats me. Guess I was too much afraid of failure to give it my best try. I still tend to be that way today....going along easily. Now I see that that has its good side as well. I tried my best when I was raising my children. I wanted them to have the Life I never had. I let them Dream. I wish I had tried to help them more with that. I too fell into the same dilema as my parents. Too little money, too little time. Spending time trying to earn a dollar and becoming too good at trying to buy my Happiness, and theirs. They say they never felt deprived. I am so glad of that.
There were so many things they did have to do without. Just things though, not anything important to how they turned out. Children will remember the things you do with them more than anything you can buy them. I have seen this time and time again.
I will write more about our new home (new to us) in Fenton after we returned to Iowa at another time. For now, it is time to get going on my walk. The wind is to die down for a bit before the rains begin again. I want to take advantage of that and get in my walk. Even if I do not walk as far, I make the 20 minutes or more, so all is good!
Don't forget to hug someone you love today. Start with yourself!

Hugs n Smooches, Katie